Jay Thompson, a real estate broker blogger on Phoenix AZ wrote two great posts today concerning a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

Jay comments on his own blog about an attack piece written by Redfin Blogger Carol Hian. Then follows up with a great article over at Agent Genius about how such an attack can so easily backfire.

It’s funny because I was reminded of this just the other day while re-reading “How to win friends and influence people”. In it, Dale Carnegie quotes Benjamin Franklin on the secret of his success.

“I will speak ill of no man… and speak all the good I know of everybody”

Great advice. Carnegie’s first chapter titled, “If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive” centers on the premise that scolding others is no way to win an argument. People tend to refuse to believe they’re wrong. All you end up doing is making them your enemy.

I love to argue. I love to win an argument. I doubt I’ll ever share my secret identity here, but I enjoy getting under the skin of the crazies on Daily Kos, just for the sport of it. I argue online about sports cars, sailing, the best beers, and even cigars.

Sometimes I let the desire to win an argument at any cost spill into my business life. It’s my greatest failing. Certainly, I’ve never acted as badly as Ms Hian (at least I hope not), but I only need to think back to a post I wrote last February to see the results of such actions. I wrote a well reasoned post, with a very inflammatory title right here on Lenderama. It generated a lot of comments, and quite a bit of private support, but those who disagreed with the article did so based on the title, not the article itself.

The title was received as far more insulting than I intended. It was perceived by some as a personal attack on someone I actually like and respect very much. I eventually deleted the post, the only post ever deleted on lenderama because it was obvious I had done exactly what Dale Carnegie had advised me not to do, every time I read his book.

Principal 1 - Don’t criticize, condemn or complain

Ms Hain has probably blogged her last post for Redfin. I have to live with the fact that a former friend is unfortunately just that “former”. And for what? To win a silly argument? This is easily my most regrettable moment in lenderama’s history.

The mortgage industry is full of conflict. How you resolve those conflicts should be largely focused on finding a solution where everyone wins. Choose your battles. Don’t argue over who left who a message, or who said what. Concentrate on getting the deal closed in a way that everyone is happy. Don’t take it personal when you know someone is lying, or wrong. You can always choose not to work with them in the future, but you don’t want them to consider that same choice.

*The title of this post is a quote from Hans Selye